The Narcissistic Boyfriend Diaries
by eloquentfever
Summary: 'Honey, your ego is showing again' aka the things that Chandler Kiehl despises about his boyfriend, Sebastian Smythe. Sebandler drabbles. All dialogue.
1. Eco-friendly

_dry-ish humour. language. sexual references. and the like. as a warning._

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Title: The Narcissistic Boyfriend Diaries

Rated: +13 – language, sexual references, etc.  
Summary: 'Honey, your ego is showing again' aka the things that Chandler Kiehl despises about his boyfriend, Sebastian Smythe. Sebandler drabbles. All dialogue.  
Genre: Humour/Romance

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1

Eco-friendly

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"Chandler, let me get this straight – I slushied my crush before and nearly blinded him when I was aiming for you crush, I blackmailed your crush's stepbrother, and I have also been terrorising many show choirs and you're complaining about the fact that I'm eco-friendly?"

"Sebastian, I draw the line at buying recycled toilet paper. My butt has never hurt so much I swear! It's like cardboard and I don't like to wipe stuff with _cardboard_. It tends to hurt and I _hate_ pain."

"…Chan, you know, when I heard the statement 'my butt never hurt so much', I usually remember the very heated sex we had last night and then you crushed my hopes and dreams by telling me you were talking about toilet paper."

"You crushed my hopes and dreams by telling me that you were allergic to chocolate. I used to eat KitKats every day, oh my God."

"Because my body has banned me from having chocolate, I am banning you from having it – which you should be doing out of love. And why do you not appreciate my care for natural things? Like my pubic hair, genetic disorders and the fact that my leg does this weird jerky shit when I come."

"You're really starting to sound like a really deranged hippie. I worry about you sometimes, Sebastian."

"Do I get hot hippie sex?"

"No."

"Do I get any sex at all?"

"Get me new toilet paper, Sebastian, or I swear I will do something bad. Like spill Cheerios over you. When I get a stool because _someone_ refuses to get shorter."

"Chandler, you're as intimidating as a marshmallow."

"Well, a marshmallow can get stuck in your throat and you can choke and die on it, so I don't see what's so funny."

"I always knew you directed the _Saw_ movies."

"Get me new toilet paper or I swear I'll stand by that Cheerios comment. I put the milk in the microwave for 10 minutes, Sebastian. If it touches you, you'll get third degree burns and roll over and die because nobody wants to sleep with you anymore."

"You're one evil bastard, babe."

"Says the guy that buys recycled tissues. It's also like trying to wipe your tears with something that smells a lot like twigs. It's not fun, Sebastian! I know you don't know how it feels because you don't have a soul and don't cry, but _hello_ I kinda have a soul. And can cry. And can feel emotions for sad things, like the ending of Dumbo."

"Ouch, Chan, that hurt me right in my heart."

"I won't believe you have a heart until you show me that X-ray. People who have hearts do not buy recycled underwear either. It's so scratchy and annoying and nobody likes people that pick wedgies in public."

"It's how nature feels like! You know, sex is also natural. I'm all natural."

"If you're all natural, then stop hair-drying your hair at 6am because some of us are trying to get their beauty sleep else I'll get wrinkles before I'm even 30."

"Who's us? Cheating on me, Chan? You're one sly bitch."

"You're one evil little boyfriend."

"_Little_? Me? I have 6 inches on you at least."

"Five and a half. Sebastian, get me new toilet paper or I will not make pie anymore. Not even on Thanksgiving."

"Now, that's just cruel. I'm trying to be all natural and eco-friendly and save us from global warming and you're threatening my pie."

"We're all gonna die anyway so what's the point of global warming?"

"…sheesh, you're depressing. Who banned you from chocolate?"

"You did! And I need my chocolate! That organic substitute stuff you got tastes like spew. And when I don't chocolate like three times a day, Chandler gets upset and then he gets angry and threatens to beat you incessantly with a stick."

"Whoa, whoa, no sticks."

"Okay, no sticks, no sex."

"Not that stick, Chandler! I like _that_ stick very much. You can beat me with that stick all you want."

"Get me new toilet paper, Sebastian!"

"I'm sorry, Chan. I'm just thinking about what the neighbours think when they hear this."

"What _neighbours_? Everything that comes in a 5 mile radius of you dies."

"That's mean."

_"The dog I've had for most of my childhood, Sebastian."_

"Hey, he was annoying. I didn't know beating a dog repeatedly with a cane can kill it."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	2. Shoes

2

Shoes

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"Come on, Chan, my shoes are sexy…and aren't you supposed to be all ape-shit about shoes?'

"Bassie, you own 20 different colours of the same shoe. I didn't even know that many colours existed until I saw your shoe closet, which is big... I mean bigger than my breakfast and that was _huge_."

"…speak a little louder, Chandler, I didn't think they heard about my secret shoe closet over at NASA."

"What do you do with all of those shoes anyway? Do you just like to stare at shoes as a hobby – like shoe-staring? I don't know if they like to hear that in a job application though. Or do you have a shoe fetish?"

"Yes, but that's not the point. I like shoes. They give personality. Clothes are shit, but shoes are dominance. How sexy is it to find someone with the perfect shoes?"

"Yeah, Bassie, because the first thing I'll ever look for in a guy is what kind of shoes he wears."

"Better than looking for stuff like personality."

"I love looking for a guy's personality. Stuff which you don't have so I don't know why I even bother with you. I'm like your Mother sometimes with how I have to handle you! Last night, I had to lecture you about why it's important to bathe every day."

"No, honey, my Mother's a whore that sleeps with 10 different people at the same night."

"…you used to sleep with 10 different people at the same night."

"Well, I'm a whore too. Nothing to be ashamed of."

"Don't call yourself…that. I don't like hearing it. Or seeing your multiple shoes. No matter how designer they are. If I see another new pair, I will throw them over your face. And trust me – it _hurts_!"

"You know, you're kind of sexy when you're angry."

"Well, you're kinda annoying when you exist. And when you think it's okay to walk around the house in your underwear like 90% of the time. Like you are right now."

"Don't I turn you on?"

"No. Get rid of like…50% shoes and when you do, we can buy a new house. And wear some clothes for Evita's sake. I swear it's like you sold all your clothes to buy even more shoes."

"Hey, Chandler, I sold all my clothes to buy even more shoes. Can you lend me some clothes?"

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_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	3. Forgetting Things

3

Forgetting Things

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"Chandler, you're going to hate me now because I tend to forget things like the average human being?"

"I have never been so humiliated in my life. Oh my God…and I'm the one that misspelled their own name until 6th grade! No average human being spends 10 minutes trying to remember their own name. And age. And whether or not they're a US resident."

"I sometimes forget unimportant things."

"…like why you exist? Because I do too. Oh my God, I've never been so humiliated in my life. I want to drown myself in the ocean."

"Babe, no, we can't have sex in the ocean. Didn't we already discuss this?"

"I want to throw myself off a cliff. Except I won't because I have a fear of heights and if I want to be thrown off a cliff, someone has to do it for me—Sebastian, throw me off a cliff. I do not want to exist anymore."

"Come on. It wasn't that bad."

"…it was that bad."

"It wasn't that bad. It was good. I'm a little forgetful."

"I always wonder if you have amnesia, Sebastian."

"Only 10 years ago when I hit my head against the bedpost when I was having sex with Andrej…um, more like slammed my head far in but other than that, I didn't hit my head again, or fall off a large flight of stairs."

"You fell off the stairs yesterday when you were trying new pants that I told you wouldn't fit you but you decided 'no! I want to try these new pants!' and when you did, they were practically spray-painted on you, oh my God. SO tight."

"Aw, Chan, you were just sad because you knew you couldn't take off my pants and have hot gay pre-pre-Christmas sex."

"Probably not without removing part of your skin along with it, Sebastian."

"Come on. Calm down, Chan."

"No."

"You're so stubborn."

"You're so forgetful that I can't believe that—Sebastian, where are we going? Are you paying attention to the road? Oh my God, where are we going, Sebastian? Are you taking us to Canada again by accident because you hate asking about directions?"

"Um, about that, babe, I forgot where we were going. I hope it isn't somewhere important."

"Oh, nowhere important! Just the fact that we had to see my Father, who may or may not have just had a huge surgery and he needs me there…"

"Your Father is a liar. He does not need you there. He wants you there. I don't know why. Last time I had a surgery, you were bitching at me because you hadn't slept in 28 hours."

"I hadn't slept in 28 hours because I was worried about you! Like normal humans do!"

"…normal humans don't sleep for 28 hours?"

"Normal humans care enough about someone to spend 28 hours awake until their boyfriends – whom just had a very important spinal surgery – woke up."

"Did I tell you how I got that fracture? I slipped from my pole in my stripper job because I was slicked in oil."

"Why were you even slicked in oil? Oh, dear Glass Menagerie, Sebastian, why am I even with you?"

"Because I'm hot."

"No, you are cold. Actually, I'm just going to sit here wondering why you're always so cold."

"Hummel said something about my skin simply matching my stone cold heart but then I slammed that little shit down a buncha stairs. It was hilarious."

"You need a Doctor."

"I hope that's an invite to a hot porno."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	4. Baseball

4 – Baseball

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"Chandler, how can you hate my hate for baseball? _You_ hate baseball for God's sake. This is getting ridiculous."

"It is literally the only thing my Dad watches and when you tend to hate things, you tend to insult it, or bash it, or hit it with slushies."

"…"

"Stop snickering, Sebastian. You cannot hit a 14-inch plasma TV with a slushie."

"It was so worth it just to see the look on his face. He got a restraining order against me and his television – it was literally the best thing ever."

"…you know whenever I thought my boyfriend would explain the best thing ever, I'd always think he'd be referring to our honeymoon—"

"—who said I marry people? I'm boycotting marriage. It turns people to maniacs that only want to get rid of each other, that despise each other. Just look at my parents. My Mother refuses to sit within a 50 metre radius of my Father. It is hilarious."

"—or our first date—"

"…we went on dates? When?"

"—or Valentine's Day when I give you your chocolate. That was my favourite ever romantic memory—I was so proud but then you had an allergic reaction and couldn't stop puking for 4 days."

"Reminds me of my parents' fifth wedding."

"Fifth wedding, Bassie?"

"You know when couples are in and out of a relationship. Well, my parents are in and out of a marriage, they take turns with custody. It's always like 'it's your turn to take care of this beast! I birthed him so you have to take care of him now!' and my Dad going like 'it's my sperm. You take it and bury it as far deep as the South'. So far, they apparently have a plan of sending me to China to be a decorative ornament."

"You wouldn't last a minute in China. You hate people accidentally brushing against you and you hate getting lost in crowds. They should try like…hmm….a deserted island. You can be a star there as much as you want."

"I can't have sex on an island, Chan."

"You'll make a person out of coconuts."

"That's just mean."

"…you killed my chocolate supply. You threw my cat out of the window. You broke 6 of my CD's and all of them were stuff for my college and you're wearing my pants. I'm past the nice Chandler stage and into the mean Chandler stage. I'm making you a salad for dinner."

"Why is it when you punish me it's not in a kinky way?"

"Because I have this really huge phobia of collars and I'm afraid if I put one on you, you'll choke and die and we didn't watch the Hobbit together yet."

"…Blaine has his own movie? Wow."

* * *

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	5. Bread Moulds

5 – Bread Moulds

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"Sebastian, I hate your inability to take out bread when it forms moulds."

"What? What did the kingdom fungi ever do to you, Chan? You people are so hypocritical. You'd jump in front of a train for a damned cat, but you wouldn't like the poor mostly multicellular sessile fungi to grow a bit on your bread? Look at them, those poor zoosporangia-producing fungi…just meaninglessly asexually and sexually reproducing."

"Bassie, I know you come from the same kingdom as anything that reproduces so much but can you please take your family away from my cabinet?"

"They are not from my family. Biologically, I'm not the same kingdom as a fungus."

"I think you have your whole domain, Sebastian."

"Hot. When can I reproduce?"

"I think you should preserve your sperm just in case it's radioactive and can help us defeat aliens in the future."

"That's mean, Chandler."

"Chocolate stash, Sebastian."

"I'm being yelled at because I have an allergy to cocoa. Wow, so this is how it feels like to be victimised for my genetics. Should really stop bullying Trent because he's short and has hypothyroidism—nah, maybe next century."

"…Sebastian, stop making fun of Trent. He's so cute and sweet and he makes the best tea ever."

"No, no, I'm feeling a lack of self-esteem due to some freak that's an inch shorter than my boyfriend and has hypo-fucking-thyroid. I refuse to feel insecure."

"That whole hating yourself thing lasted for a whole .5 seconds this time."

"Not funny, Chan. What if I became clinically depressed?"

"Blainey's clinically depressed and you told him that that's fine because he still looks sexy."

"It made him laugh."

"It was a laugh of misery."

"Sheesh, Chan, you have high expectations of me in a relationship. I don't think I had that one before. 'Can swallow' was really the only expectation most man asked for in a relationship."

"No, Sebastian, one night stands are not relationships. We are a relationship. Two people who yell at each other all the time about useless stuff and maybe will end up together forever."

"How depressing."

"No, that's Blaine."

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_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	6. Floors

6 – Floors

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"Sebastian, you care about the floor more than I care about me."

"The floor has never offended me or irritated me."

"No, seriously. You bought a $500 carpet for the floor. You mop it all the time, and you admire it more than you do me."

"Do you want a $500 carpet for your body, Chandler?"

"No! I want you to admire me and love me and buy me a $500 coat, because I bet a carpet for a floor is like a coat for me."

"Ew, no, that sounds like caring about people. I do not care about people. I care about floors. And plants. And fungi."

"But I'm your boyfriend."

"I had 20 before you."

"Intimacy buddies are not boyfriends."

"…did…did you just call my fuck buddies _intimacy_ _buddies_?"

"NO."

"You definitely did."

"Shut up and let me roll around in your $500 carpet. I'm so humiliated."

"Alright, babe, just don't hurt my floor."

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_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	7. Drinking

7 - Drinking

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"You know what annoys me, Bassie? Your drinking habits. They're really horrible."

"Babe, if I don't drink a little water every three days, I die."

"You never drink water. All you drink is booze, which is the topic of this discussion."

"Can I drink booze when we're discussing booze? Because I suddenly want one. Or twenty."

"That's exactly my point, Sebastian! Your drinking habits are really out of control. I'm pretty sure that the government's recommendation of 5 a day is not 5 glasses of liquor! And don't try to tell me that champagne is technically a fruit because of the grape stuff in it!"

"If it helps, I didn't finish my vodka yesterday so that's totally 4 and a half cups."

"Stop drinking liquor."

"That's like asking you to stop wearing glasses."

"I need these to see."

"Point is: I need booze like a sick person needs tissues."

"If I have a fever, I never need tissues. It's only when I get a cold that I need tissues."

"Point is: I need booze like I need sex."

"Sex never drove anyone off a cliff because they were sexing irresponsibly."

"No, but pregnancy is worse than dying."

"I'm really sorry, Bassie. I forgot you had a functioning female reproductive system."

"Only when it turns the other fucker on."

"I don't want to know how that works. Ever."

"I see you're in a situation where you may need booze, Chandler. To forget what I just said and to calm down."

"No, I don't."

"I still need alcohol, so to allow my self angst and perpetual sorrow to slowly melt away with every moment I'm tasting its comforting nature."

"You can have chocolate for that."

"I'm allergic to cocoa, Chan. Do you want me to die by eating Butterfingers?"

"Butterfingers, no. Maybe Maltesers. I'd totally be happy dying if I ate Maltesers. Or maple syrup. Or poutine."

"Chandler, your Canadian is showing."

"Let it shine as bright as the sun that never shines in Montreal."

* * *

_Xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


	8. Yelling

8 – Yelling

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"_Yelling_? When do I ever yell, Chandler?"

"You're yelling right now."

"And what's wrong with being a little loud? I don't recall it being an issue last night, babe. If you catch my drift."

"I always catch your drift, and then I end up sinking with the sail because the drift is always related to sex or how blonde I am."

"Hey, Chan, why did the blonde—"

"I'll hurt you, Bassie."

"How can you threaten me and still appear like the cutest thing in the world, Chan? I don't get it. Do you have some magical object or faerie dust that enables you to be adorable or—?"

"You're not getting any if that's how you're trying to play it out."

"That's unfair. I was just complimenting you."

"There is no '_just_ complimenting' you in your vocabulary, sweetie. Take your hands off my pants. They're new, and they're pretty and teal coloured and if you hurt my pants, you will not have any feet tomorrow morning."

"I don't care about feet. As long as I have a cock, I'm a happy man."

"I really wonder how you sleep at night."

"I don't. I just play with your buttons until they magically come off and I can see that lovely pale little chest of yours."

"I'm pale, Bassie? Are you trying to get me to tan?"

"We should tan together. Just you and me. I can rent us a bench. We can stay naked and stare at the sun all night if you want."

"I don't want to be naked in a beach. I'm self-conscious about my knees."

"They're hot."

"Not."

"Chan, trust me. I know what hot is."

"Everything's hot to you, Bassie."

"That's not true. Canada is _not_ hot."

"Too bad. 'Cause that's where we're going this summer. And don't start yelling at me – you said you wanted to be with me. Now, bear the consequences."

"You're lucky your ass looks good in those teal pants."

"Oh my God, really? How good? Like...you want to take me right now good? My pants can do that? Like if I just shake my hips a bit, will I actually look more sexually appealing? Oh my God."

"Chan, if you shake your hips, I'm gonna cum in my pants."

"No, forget it. It's not worth the mess. I'm still not forgiving you for what happened to my car! You ruined the seats!"

"I have very powerful semen, Chan."

"..."

"Did I make you blush?"

"Shut up, Bassie. I'm always blushing. I'm like Cinderella at the ball."

"Cinderella doesn't have an ass that good. Hey, Chan...just to let you know, you can yell at me all you want. I actually find it a turn on when you're angry."

"Good, because if you touch me, I'm going to be really angry with you and chop your hands off."

"Now, babe, I like a _controlled_ anger."

"I like a controlled boyfriend."

"You should get me a leash."

"Sebastian."

"I'll go stand in the naughty corner now."

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_xo Peanut Butter/Sam_


End file.
